It is several months since my last confession. I've just been really preoccupied with living, and saving reflection for later I guess.

The reason I'm writing today is to let off steam over something that happened last night. I need to purge this from my system, and there isn't one particular person I feel like confiding to. In fact, this is a topic that I feel strongly should not be kept hidden because the secrecy becomes part of the bigger problem. It can beget more violence and drama. And having to call the cops on your neighbor.... yeahh... about that.....

Last night, I was feeling really physically exhausted and in pain from a Fibromyalgia flare-up, and a toothache. Unmedicated pain makes us do stupid things. I know my next-door neighbor is bad news, but when he texted my phone and invited me to smoke some weed with him, I gladly accepted. I was desperate and in pain, but I learned that no matter how desperate I am for my best medicine, it is not worth lowering my standards to be around my neighbor. I had only talked with him a few times before now, and have always tried to give people the benefit of the doubt.

I went over, thinking I'd just smoke some pot, be friendly, and then make my exit to relax and watch a the Bio channel's show on Hunter S. Thompson, already queued up on the laptop.

My neighbor was acting really nice at first, but soon got started on stories of his "thug life," his six felonies, theivery, his drug use and sales, shootings. Not only do I find a lot of it offensive, but we live in the freakin' middle of nowhere by the sea - so it is not his current reality... I wonder does he know this is NOT TACOMA? The guy is mentally unstable, drinks daily and does lots of drugs, and has a low IQ... Not the best combination for peace I think.

A week ago some friends of mine got here late at night after a 12 hour drive, and pitched their tent in my front yard before heading for the Olympic National Park the next day. This neighbor of mine got woken up and was really mad, shouting at us. The next morning he stopped to snap a picture of my friends' tent in the yard. I didn't talk to him, gave him space to cool off.

Last night he brought it up finally, and I immediately apologized, and said in the future I'd tell people to be more quiet. I didn't defend myself - just said I would do my best and I hardly have people over anyway. I practically groveled when I apologized because I was already afraid of his temper. He started getting agitated, and kept repeating 9 or 10 times, that he was pissed off about being woken by the car doors "slamming over and over." He implied my friends did it on purpose. I know they were just trying to grab their stuff and get settled because they were tired. I was actually really embarrassed because my neighbor caused so much noise - far more than any of my guests.

I kept apologizing, asked him what I could do to fix it, asked him if he would please drop it... and he just got madder and madder. I watched him go from stoned dumb to raging angry within about 5 minutes. I didn't know what to say, was trying to keep him calm... I finally told him it shouldn't matter too much because his visitors make noise in our shared parking area too, that they wake me up sometimes even, but I have let it go... That he should let it go too, now that I've apologized and tried to make good. That was dumb - I wasn't talking to a logical person by that point.

That was when he started naming off people he associates with in the area that he was going to get together to come gang up on me. To "start shit" with me I believe. He meant they were going to come kick my ass. I asked him if that was a threat, if he really meant it. He said "What do you think?" Up until that moment, I was sitting there thinking I should hurry and get out of there - but sometimes when I'm freaked out, I can't move. I freeze up when I get too anxious sometimes, a PTSD reaction. I am suspended in this limbo of not being able to react or make a decision on how to react. I am terrified that anything I do will be the wrong answer, I guess. I momentarily started to disassociate - allow that fear of angry men from my past make my fear worse.... which made me pause... right as his face got really red and the swear words started raining...

I started to get up to leave and he stood up above me and leaned down and started shouting and getting in my face. I felt trapped. I leaned down to grab my phone and dialed 911 as I grabbed my purse. In retrospect I think that may have saved me from physical harm. He was coming at me, and I don't know him well enough to know if he would snap and hurt me. I don't like to imagine anyone would, but it happens. I waved the phone in his face on my way out and told him not to mess with me anymore because help was on the way. He was even more pissed off that I called the cops and the operator could hear him yelling after me...

There are a few moments where I don't remember everything, I was so upset. The operator heard me leaving his house and had to get my attention because I was not really totally aware of what was happening at that point. I ran back into my house, locked the doors and windows, and waited for the cops to arrive.

The officers last night could have made an arrest if I had twisted my story more dramatically, as I know I am capable of. For my own sake, and because I had been smoking pot, I made sure to just state the facts, and let the yelling lunatic next door prove my case for me. I told them I have paperwork for medical marijuana, that it was his pot, his bong, and (truthfully) I had none in my possession and was not intoxicated on anything else.

The cops got my statement and I was able to go in to bed. I told them I just wanted it to be over, that I called 911 in a panic and don't know for sure what was _going_ to happen, but wanted their help because he really scared the crap out of me. At first they weren't sure if maybe I had provoked the guy, but they could tell I was telling the truth by my behavior and his. I did NOT provoke or earn this. Except for being stupid enough to go hang out with him. While we were talking with the police outside I didn't say a word to my neighbor though he was saying every nasty lie and slander he could think up from his yard - trying his hardest to provoke me... Nope. The two young cops were able to figure out pretty easily what was going on, without me having to say much. Dufus made my case plain.

They said they were going to ignore the marijuana thing. That as long as I felt safe locked in my house, they would write up a report and leave. One cop recommended I get a temporary protection order against my neighbor. I am still thinking about the pros and cons. Pro= the guy won't be able to live next door for two weeks because it is in such close proximity and we share a driveway... Con= He may come back... and he's likely to be really pissed off and wanting revenge, whether I do the order or not. I called our mutual landlady last night after the cops left because he was STILL yelling at the top of his lungs "Bitch, You're FUCKED!" and such. I nearly called the cops back because it went on for about 20 minutes after they left. Finally he quieted down, though I jumped everytime I heard a noise.

I feel like I'm FUCKED no matter what. I am renting this place because, out of any other options out there when you're on welfare - this is as good as it gets. Far better than low income apartments. And so far so good - I have lived next to some backwards hick hillbilly addicts with anger problems in this same place for over a year and a half - with nothing more than the occasional drunken stupid noise making kind of thing. Despite my stupid neighbors I have carved out my little place, I love the beauty of the woods and the sea, and it has been divine intervention to receive art and nature therapy here, as well as lots of alone time. I think the pictures say it best... I have been documenting my time here, my projects, my ideas... I don't ever have drama with my neighbors. I keep to myself usually.

But now I feel really uncomfortable. I am not willing to give in to fear and let that rule me.... but I just don't want to even deal with the guy. My only solid plan is to not say a word to him, no matter what, and try to keep my valuables locked up.

I've been working on my disability claim with SSDI and trying to earn some money through art and music on the side... Trying to get myself in a better situation someday soon, move somewhere safe - if that exists... I have an awesome lawyer who knows all the judges, and says my case is solid for mental and physical disability. There is a very long waiting list for SSDI hearings, and mine should happen realistically within 6 months. I have been waiting for 3.5 years for this, and will get backpay for every month I waited. This is worth it, I think... I'll continue to get a monthly income around $1100, unless I find a way to re-employ myself. (We shall see.) Basically I'm retiring early - I payed enough from my paychecks into the Social Security pot, and I'm collecting soon.

I am more than ready to get out of here... just don't want to feel like I have to leave out of fear of violence. I have had enough of that crap in this lifetime. I am making plans to travel and make a joyful noise... I have had a lot of time for healing and inner life, and creativity, and ideas... I'm ready to put them to work. I am feeling like my self-esteem has risen from the terrible dark depths, I have had 5 years to learn how to handle my physical problems, and emotionally I'm bouncing back pretty well from some serious grieving that needed to happen in order to move on.

I don't have room for people like my neighbor anymore. I don't need anger and violence around me constantly! I care deeply and I pray for people like him... I feel sorry for him. I know his life hasn't been easy, he isn't very smart, is a meth addict, and he grew up around violence. But I sent him a very obvious message last night - I am quick to call for help if I'm attacked, and I will not allow him to scare me away or ruin my little artist retreat.  But I don't know if it is already ruined, by negative energy. I think I'm still trying to catch my breath from the panic last night.

I'm trying to be brave and protect myself, not play the victim, just keep doing what is right and hope good will prevail... Most people know I'm not afraid of many things - but it gets to me sometimes, feeling alone, not quite knowing how to respond when there's trouble. And needing help, but not really wanting to cause "drama" in order to get it. I really hope this financial help I'm in line for comes soon... Money isn't going to fix it all, but hopefully I will soon be able to have more options available to get on with life....

I just really needed to write this all up, edit it later maybe, and post... I need to release this out into the ether... try to dump it and go back to my normally peaceful existence. Thanks for reading. Send hugs.

Luv luv luv,

Heide

(BIG CHEESY GRIN)

Hello friends!


I thought I would just check in and write a blog about what I have been up to lately. I haven't written any blogs recently because I have been in the midst of a lot of exciting things. I have been online a lot, but mostly reading, doing research, and watching movies. I post things I like, and that is all the time I have really had to share what is running through my head. Thanks to my mother and her two brothers I was able to get set up with a laptop that has broadened my horizons. I was excited to find there is a steady unsecured wireless network available from one of my neighbors. (Whoever you are - thank you!) The combination of software and internet has completely updated my life and allowed me to work on many things I have had simmering in my mind and soul for quite some time now. Alright, on to the newses....



Health.

(here's what is currently in my refrigerator)
Most of all, I am so glad it is getting sunny out again. Many of you well know that I do not function so well when the weather is changing constantly. I chose to live by the sea where the barometer is constantly changing up and down which causes my body lots of pain. I do hope to travel again someday soon, and though I would love to spend my summers here, I don't know if another winter in the NW will do me any good!


Music.

I was a lucky girl on my birthday back in February. My sister Steph and her long time partner Ry gave me a nice microphone suited for vocals. I did not receive it until this month due to backorder and shipping issues. In fact, due to the long wait, they ended up getting a nicer microphone than they had originally planned. Ry really hooked me up, giving me a digital/analog interface.and a cable to go with the mic. I received software recently - Ableton Live, AcidPro, and Cubase. I am a little intimadated by all this, but once I get over the basic learning curve I see myself taking off in many ways. I have been composing, singing, and I can't wait to get moved before I set up my own little home studio.

Moving.

I refer to my house as my "gypsy caravan" but make no mistake - I live in a trailer. I live on a very nice piece of property that just had a new well and plumbing installed. There are just 8 total trailers that share this property overlooking Puget Sound. It is far removed from what a person might imagine to be a trailer park. I have been here for a year and a half, and I love it out here. I live more sustainably than if I lived in a house. I am on a very small income, so having my own space, a yard, my cats, and a view - are something I would not normally be able to afford, but I have made the sacrifice to live in this little house of mine in order to have them. It is a great little retreat. I will be moving at the beginning of the month to a different part of the property, which will receive less noise from the road, has the same but (imho) better view, a garden started, and is cheaper. This summer I plan to set up a little barbeque or hibachi and invite friends to come hang out on lazy sunshiney days. I'll be taking pictures soon.

Photography.


I have been practicing with my mother's Canon Powershot, a nice little point and shoot camera. It does not have all the bells and whistles of a professional camera like my sister has, but it does take high quality pictures. Over the last year I have gotten better at the manual settings and have now started editing pictures in Photoshop. I have been trying not to get too distracted with this project because I'm trying to focus on other more important things. It is a hobby I will always love, and I have been having a blast editing and re-creating the images. Now that nice weather is here I do plan to run around taking pictures of the plum blossoms and apple blossoms and all the new growing things. Also, little by little I am trying to get old pictures scanned and added to my online photo albums. You know who you are - watch out because you may be tagged in a photo album very soon!

Visual Art.


I haven't made anything new other than a few sketches, but I have been attempting to take pictures and document my older work. There are a few pieces I am proud of that haven't had any exposure to the internet as of yet. I plan to change that.

Modeling.

(I have personality!) ;)
A lot of time has gone into thinking about what kind of art I can sell, and which art is sacred and only produced when I am in the right mood, and only kept or given as gifts. There is a process to art that cannot be replaced with mass production, I think. If it is true art, comes from deep inside, it isn't something you just crank out. Modeling is an art I think I could sell. I could sell clothing that is. Because of my height I have received feedback from many people telling me to do plus size modeling. I have decided to give it a try while I am still young enough (barely) and see what happens. I submitted my photos online and have researched modeling agencies and jobs in the Seattle area. I am looking for photographers to help me put together a portfolio in order to hopefully get some jobs here and there to help my income.

Writing. That leads to some exciting news. I located a plus size modeling online community and magazine. I filled out a profile and entered into a contest called "Dream Big" by writing my story of inspiration, fighting against all odds and trying to be a good role model for other curvy girls. The editor wrote to me asking to print my article AS IS, which is a huge compliment. I tried to offer to edit it, but she said it was fine just the way it was. It will be published in an upcoming edition of their magazine, with a few full size photos of me. I will share the link to the story sometime soon. If you are curious, the magazine is called Venus Diva Magazine. It isn't a paid gig, but it will pay well enough in exposure. I may contribute to the magazine in the future. We'll see. I do hope to inspire young women to take care of their bodies, to love their bodies, whatever shape.

Etsy.

Etsy
Buy Handmade
oldandnewbyadelaide

I started a store on etsy.com to sell many parts of my collection of vintage items, art supplies, and creations. I do not really consider myself to be a collector, but my storage space would tell you otherwise. I finally found a forum to sell the treasures I am not using. You can shop my store Old and New By Adelaide, or just visit and say hello. I just posted 6 items, but there are many more set aside for this project.

Medical Marijuana Patient Advocacy.

I realized around April 20th that among all the causes I hold dear, this is one I am interested in volunteering for. I recently have started a project that involves helping patients legally acquire their medical marijuana. It is legal in this state at least. And that is all I'm saying on this forum. I'm very excited about this project, and hope to see it come out well in the near future.

Dating. hahaha. I'm not telling! Well, really all I wanted to say is that I have spent a lot of time working on myself, have plenty more to work on, but I am at a point where I feel like I can venture out into the world just a little bit more. There is nobody special just yet, but I have been making more of an effort to get myself out to meet people and just be more social.

Things I would be very grateful for help with:

1. I need a nice person to sit down with me for half a day and help me go over the basics of my new music software! If you have a thorough knowledge of Ableton Live, Cubase, or AcidPro (and I know some of you do,) please contact me. I would be willing to travel with my laptop to do this.
2. A keyboard. I will beg borrow or barter for this. I have everything else I need to produce great quality recordings and start performing, except this one item. It needs to be full size preferably, with a stand. I am saving my pennies, but in the meantime I would love to borrow a keyboard for working on recordings.
3. Finding people who want to make music... Or just to geek around with all these music toys I have now.
4. Photographer to help build my plus modeling portfolio.
Thanks for any leads or advice you may have on these things!

Well Kids, that's about it. Nothing really significant has happened, aside from the computer situation. I guess that is the most significant of all. Having the ability to communicate and create from bed if I need to... Well, having chronic illness can make a person feel pretty useless sometimes, and this has given me the ability to transcend that and keep busy. When I look back on my life, there is a lot I have been able to accomplish when I had adequate technology. I also have lost a lot when the technology failed on me (reminder to self - "back up your shit!")

Anyway, please stop by to say hi now and then. I try to write back to personal messages and emails. I feel more connected, but living in the middle of nowhere does get lonely. I do not see myself getting out of here anytime soon, so please do remember me through emails, letters, hopes, and prayers.

Much love and God bless,

Heide

P.S.: I just want to say a big thank you to the people in my life who have stuck by me through turbulent times. Thank you for your love and support, your help, your hand-me-downs. My court case for Social Security should be heard within the year, and I look forward to the benefits of that finally coming together for me after a long long wait. In the meantime, everything I have is thanks to God and thanks to great friends and family.

Bonus time at AIG! The first payment of 9.6 million dollars of bailout money went out yesterday. You might remember AIG. They are the transnational insurance conglomerate who tanked and is now 80% owned by the U.S. Government. They are under a continuing F.B.I. investigation for fraud after their stock price plummeted and they nearly went bankrupt.

"seven executives in the financial products division still received bonuses of more than $3 million each."
-MoveOn.org

These are the people who ran AIG into the ground, causing financial collapse for millions of people.

"A.I.G., nearly 80 percent of which is now owned by the government, has
defended its bonuses, arguing that they were promised last year before
the crisis and cannot be legally canceled. In a letter to Mr. Geithner,
Edward M. Liddy, the government-appointed chairman of A.I.G., said at
least some bonuses were needed to keep the most skilled executives." - NYTimes NYTimes

Please take a minute to sign the petition to recover the bonus money already paid and stop any more of our wages from being payed to AIG's executives.

Click Here To Sign The Petition

Please pass it on.

Thanks,

Heide

Now, I of all people should never complain about waiting. I am so slow most of the time due to my physical ailments, and being an artist and dreamer means I'm already naturally unaware of the rest of the world's schedule. "What time is it," you ask? "I'm timeless," I reply.

This last month has been full of waiting. Too much waiting. Even too much waiting for me. I am extremely patient these days because of the medical issues - the health system's pace can be brain numbing sometimes. I carry books everywhere. I listen to music. I write. I hum. I entertain myself.

All I have done in the last few weeks is wait to go back to Eugene, Oregon. Since I started playing music again seriously with Lizz, that is all I want to do. I am also waiting to get my new microphone in the mail so I can share my music with others. It was a birthday gift from my sister and her boyfriend. It was on backorder and I don't know what exactly happened, but I guess they ended up ordering a nicer one since the original microphone never came. This is the kind of waiting that drives me a little batty. I am trying not to be too impatient, but I cannot wait to get my grubby little hands on that mic. It isn't the kind you use for performing. It is a condenser microphone that looks kinda like this:
 It is not a usb mic as I thought previously. Ry told me that is a good thing. He says the technology built into the analog to digital converter he gave me is superior as far as producing a more realistic sound than the simple technology built into the usb version. Ry's a programmer and musician and has his own home studio, so I know I trust his musical and computer knowledge. I'm so glad he and Steph were the ones who got this for me. So. Salivate and wait. Salivate and wait.

In the meantime I've been slightly addicted to Hulu. Free tv shows on demand? They've found my weakness. I don't have cable because I try not to waste my time watching too much junk. I check out free movies from the library. I will occasionally pay money to rent something the library is unlikely to carry - like Zack and Miri Make a Porno or Superbad - the obnoxious comedies and stoner movies I like, or sometimes when searching for something very specific. Having free movies and television is totally making me lazy. I don't even have to drive to the library or the video store!!!

Now actually, I've been watching streaming tv since a couple years ago when abc started streaming all their sitcoms. I love the technology and I have watched it speed up and improve some glitches over the last couple years. I appreciate that there is minimal advertising, which is always important to me. I have also figured out that you can work around some of the advertising by picking and choosing. You can hit refresh once the show has started and the sponsor is shown at the beginning. If you don't like the sponsor, you can just refresh and get a new one. Or hit refresh until you get the option to view one of their longer movie trailers or longer ads instead of having the show interupted. I love that. I can get rid of the ads for insurance and for contacts - two things I don't use - and opt for the newest movie coming out instead.

As for content, I am thrilled about several things. I started watching Dollhouse today - which is pretty good, a little sci-fi, but not overwhelming. I got to see Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog - which is fucking hilarious. I have been watching Solitary - a freakish "reality" show that is great if you are a sadist. Also lots of Nova and National Geographic. Now that I'm on a roll I'm also watching "How To Look Good Naked" and "America's Next Top Model" streaming from other channels. They've created a monster. I'll never be able to say I don't watch tv again! bwah!

For once my mom picked a movie I really liked the other day. It is called "Once" and I'm still humming the melodies in it. It takes place in Dublin and is about a busker who meets a girl and they make music together, then he leaves. It is like a little snapshot of a life - meeting someone who impacts you, and then on to the next adventure. Most of all, the music was composed by the man who sings it in the picture, and I was more than impressed with his songs.

I have been on a music, movie, and writing binge and I'm ready to head back down to Oregon to get the party rolling, and maybe even started. I'm due to go pick up an upright grand piano to move into Lizz's house and the mic will be sent down there in the mail... I don't know if I will get everything done that I want to do, but I'm hoping to have something to show for it a week from now. They may be really shitty recordings, but when it finally happens I will be so excited. For now I am less than excited, more than bored, and far too saturated with television.

The only other thing interesting that happened this week is I have had two vivid dreams of my first serious boyfriend. This led me, like a crazy lady, to google him and search for him online. No luck. It is like he just evaporated into thin air. I don't want to be a total stalker, but we used to be extremely close and there isn't really any bad blood between us. I can't help worry about him, but also just want to keep in touch now and then. The dreams were weird because they were one night right after the other. I just have this urgency to find him because of that, and not just assuming anything bad has happened - but it was like he was real and talking to me. He actually rescued me at one point. huh.

p.s.: I'm trying out this new program (link at the bottom of the page) that automatically adds links and pics to my blogs - pretty nifty so far, but I'm sure some of the links don't go to the thing I originally intended... I decided to annoy you all by adding every link I could to this one. I'm such a rebel. ;)

I have been having some very in depth dreams lately. One particularly haunting one involves being invited to a black tie event in a big tall building. The host was giving a toast, while standing on a ledge/walkway and suddenly turned, went out the window and jumped to his death. He had invited all his guests to watch him die. It was really a creepy very realistic seeming dream. I remember all the furniture and the rooms the building and the parking lot and the people in detail. I remember this gut wrenching feeling when he jumped and the shock from the guests. :(

I had a different dream where I was visiting my friend Lizz and she kept having to hide me because her boyfriend Brian was somehow pissed off that I was there. But she had this little yappy dog that kept sounding the alarm every time I tried to leave. I was trying to leave without getting caught by the dog, through the backyard, then through the front yard. When I finally got out I walked down the street and I just have this image of every detail of the street at night, the buildings and lights and cars and architecture. I don't get the dream but I remember everything so clearly.

I always dream in detail so I am not surprised, but that first dream is haunting me a little. I think it relates to being afraid of watching people choosing to do things that lead to death, and feeling unable to do anything but watch them. Unfortunately I'm far too familiar with these kind of themes.

I didn't quit school to be a rockstar. I quit school because I got very sick and wasn't able to get my homework. I had a fibromyalgia flare up and could not get out of bed for the better part of three weeks due to pain and severe fatigue. (I am feeling mostly better now, thanks to getting a refill of adderall xr to boost energy and vicodin for pain. I try not to take those all the time, but that is what it took to get me out of bed.) I was in touch with my school instructor the whole time. According to federal disability law they are required to accommodate me if I am capable of doing the work. I made every effort I could on my part to keep up with class but the instructor did not keep up with making copies of the assignments available for me. I asked for the digital recordings of class she had made and her response was that this is not a correspondence course. I am very unhappy with this because it makes me worry a lot about my future college experience. I think I may have to do all internet classes or independent study because at least those don't have severe attendence requirements. It makes me sad because I sometimes feel like I'm not disabled enough. Like, really, if I was laying in bed due to diabetes or cancer would this be happening? I can't just get my homework after the fact because then I have too much to do all at once. I have to keep up. There is a lot I can do from bed. (meow.) I have the mental aptitude for this stuff. So, I'm trying to get enrolled for Spring quarter at a nearby college for an internet course for now. But I need interaction. There has to be some way for me to work this out.

In the meantime, since I'm blessedly free of obligations other than taking care of my health... I plan to spend as much time in Eugene with Lizz making music as I can. Financially it works out pretty well, considering the awesome gas mileage I got last time and how much cheaper everything is there. Since I came back last time we've been on the phone and the internet talking music. It is destiny and we both feel it.

Something that we both recognized last time was the energy we create together is much bigger than our two energies combined. There is extra energy that is created that really gets us attention. We have both been making music while we were apart for several years, but after one day of working together, we had an explosive amount of new ideas and artistic concepts. It is a very magnetic energy too. People LOVE us!

Right now we're Adelaide and Betsy. I don't know if we'll think of a swanky new name for our band. But watch out world. We already have a full album of Betsy's songs recorded that we can perform for the sake of having material immediately, and collectively we have more than an album's worth of new material just waiting to be born. There are secret plans for tours and shows even.

I feel like I already had a mid-life crisis in my mid/late twenties. I started my period earlier than all the other girls, and got a bra early, and grew to 5'7" in the 5th grade. On my own personal time-line, this makes perfect sense. So, it also makes sense that now that I've come out the other side of hell, bruised but feeling better than ever... It is time be a little bit spontaneous and ride this out to see where it goes. It seems like my music has been on the shelf for so many reasons, and now I'm just not willing to put it back up there again. Time to be what I want, to have permission to be an artist. Not a little bit, but a lot bit. And miss Betsy is right there with me on that one. What great timing.

I'm going to continue school from the safety of the internet for now. That way I can travel or be sick or whatever, as long as I have this handy laptop, and I must be strict about my study hours. I'm in no way giving up, but I had to stop beating a dead horse... I swear, I wouldn't ever beat a dead horse. Who came up with that metaphor? That's fucked up!


cats licking their toes.

I wrote a big long blog that was almost finished, and managed to lose it with one wrong keystroke. Arg.

Well, the intent was to write about my last couple weeks. Some events/happenings of note: I went to Eugene, Oregon to visit my dear dear friend Lizz. I made music with her. Her friend Tim really likes my voice and wants to record and mix my first album. I had a birthday on Sunday and turned 30.

I received a MXL 990 USB microphone and a Ediral UA5 USB interface for recording (from my sister and her boyfriend. I also got the Dresden Dolls Companion - sheet music for the older Dresden Dolls music from my mother, and an mp3 player from my brother. Thanks guys!!!! When pouting over not having a big birthday event, I hadn't taken into account that there may be gifts involved. This made my sorry little birthday amazingly better.

Oh, and Lizz gave me a seemingly endless supply of marijuana for my birthday. I am so excited about this, as a pain patient and as an artist!

Why was it a sorry little birthday? Mostly because my plans got all screwed up. In order to come running down to Eugene early, I canceled my plans to go to Eugene for my birthday, thinking something would work out.

When I got home from Eugene, I drove to my mother's house where my cats were staying, and planned to crash in the spare room just for the night. I ended up being there for a week. I spent the last week in bed having a fibromyalgia flare-up. This kind of thing happens most times I travel. I never know if it will hit while I'm traveling or as soon as I return, but it is just about certain it will happen. I won't stop traveling so I guess either my body will get used to it, or I will get used to planning extra sick days every time I travel.

After writing my big long writing assignment about how I got fibromyalgia, I let myself put it away over the weekend. It doesn't have to be a huge long essay, just has to have the words and meaning that I want to express. I realized that my thesis needs to revolve around the event itself as well as what I learned - that I believe in disability rights for people with fibromyalgia. I have been experiencing difficulty ever since my diagnosis. Difficulties arise because people don't know how to treat me. I don't entirely identify with the "disabled" label. But I do identify with other people who have been discriminated against, or treated harshly because of a physical problem they are unable to control. I think the act of writing so many words, so many paragraphs about fibromyalgia really impressed on me that I am powerfully emotional about this topic. It tells me that I have a lot I want to say. The part I published on here was just the beginning. I think all of it points to the necessity for me to somehow write or advocate or verbalize what is going on in my life due to this illness. I think that will be my thesis. I need to start at the beginning. The beginning is simple. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, my life became difficult, I learned how to cope, and to stand up for myself and others with this illness.

I also realized that I need to learn just exactly HOW to stand up for myself and others with this illness. I have felt really powerless at times when people are really critical of me. I don't want to use FM as a flimsy meaningless excuse to get special privileges. I just need people to understand that I have to do things at a different pace than most people. This is an ongoing struggle that has caused serious problems with relationships for me, within romantic relationships as well as within my family and friends. I am really exhausted from my illness, and it is exhausting to summon the will to protect myself and my integrity at every turn.

Anyway, I have to get ready for class now. I still don't have that paper written, but I appreciate my friendly blog readers for taking the time last week to read even part of my giant brain dump. I really didn't expect people to read all of it.... I just published it because sometimes that helps me get the process going. And it totally worked.

So, all in all, I survived my birthday. It didn't go as well as I had hoped, but looking back on the the last couple of weeks in total, I would say I came out well ahead. I am on my way to getting somewhere with my music and recording, as well as learning more about myself and how to deal with writing and school.

Sending you all a bunch of hugs and kisses,
Heide

I still don't have a thesis. But I did a whole lot more pre-writing.......... and I decided to share just for the fun of it....

Here's a maybe

The year of being sick and getting diagnosed with Fibromyalgia was a catalyst that forced me to evaluate the past and focus on new goals, as well as learn practical living skills. (maybe, possibly a thesis here? still not sure where I'm headed with this)

**Now write about the event describing what happened in more detail. Describe the setting and who was there. Paint a picture for your reader so that s/he has a real connection to your experience. What were your thoughts and feelings?

ok

In Spring of 2003 I was rushed to the ER at Providence hospital in Everett for severe stomach cramping. The night before I had been up late dancing with friends to music from the 1980s. We were really excited and jumping up and down and doing some outlandish dance moves. The next day I woke up with cramping in my abdomen that felt like menstrual cramps but continued to get worse and worse throughout the day. I went in to my mom’s bedroom and laid down on her bed in fetal position, holding the lower part of my stomach. I hurt enough that I couldn’t think of what to do when the cramping was at its worst. My mother took charge and ordered me to the hospital. We didn’t know if it might be my appendix or what was wrong. It was pretty scary. I remember laying in the hospital examining room waiting to get tests done. They drugged me up pretty well, so the memory is hazy. I felt pretty good once they stopped the immediate pain, but it was worrisome when they kept wanting to do more tests and weren’t finding easy answers. After x-rays and a pretty invasive MRI (that’s a whole essay there) I was told they had to do an ultrasound. They found a very large tumor that had been growing on my ovary. It had caused the fallopian tube to twist, which caused the pain. Dancing exuberantly was what made the ovary twist. Dancing exuberantly was no longer allowed.
In fact, I couldn’t do much more than walk slowly in order to feel that tumor starting to twist. I moved to Olympia, right next to Evergreen State College, with my sister Stephanie and her boyfriend Ry. I spent most of my time holed up in the bedroom watching Food Network, and missing my cats miserably. My old friend Forrest from Seattle just happened to live next door to my sister, so it was good to have a friend there. He wanted me to take a picture of my tumor for him. It took a lot of effort from my mother, my friends, community, and me in order to find a surgeon, and then find the funds to cover my surgery. Finally late in October of 2003 I returned to Marysville and went for surgery to have the tumor and ovary removed. The surgeon said he would try to save my ovary, but the main priority was to make sure the dermoid cyst was fully removed. He had to remove both. I woke up in the hospital feeling pretty good after surgery, but I remember I got really cranky when they made me get up to go to the bathroom, and to walk around the ward. My horizontal incision was about 6 inches and stretched across the top of my pubic bone. It was red and mean and it was hard to believe it would ever heal. I especially felt a lot of pain any time I had to use my stomach muscles, which was every time I moved. Those muscles were not happy about being cut into. I drifted in and out of the opiate fog, rested and slept and read in my mom’s big bed. She nursed me and brought me things, which was nice and reminded me of when I was a kid.
After a month of being in bed, I started wondering if there was something wrong. I worried something had gone wrong with the surgery, or that maybe there was an infection. I could not get up out of bed. I was not able to do the post-surgery things I was told I should be able to do, at least not on that schedule. My incision had healed pretty well, and I was really impressed by how well a human body can heal. But I was still feeling weak, thought it was maybe from the drugs or something. My mother got sick of me taking up her bedroom and moved me into her spare bedroom. She was on my case a little because she thought maybe I was just enjoying all the attention and comfort of being waited on. I didn’t know what was going on, since I had never had surgery. The spare room wasn’t as comfortable and it was time to move on.
So I moved into a rented room in a house with just one roommate. It was a nice big space with room for all my stuff. I had to adjust to being back on my own. I started work again. At that time, I worked for a company that buys and resells used books online. I could choose my hours, as long as I kept up with the workload, and bought enough books to keep the boss happy. I found I was having a worse time getting out the door than before surgery. I just couldn’t get out of bed. Before surgery, with the giant tumor inside me and moving slow, I would still get out the door by about 11am at the latest. After surgery I found myself leaving the house around 1 or 2pm on a regular basis, and then sitting in the car outside work wishing I could just please take a nap for another hour. I loved spending my entire day with books. I loved that job. It wasn’t as if I had lost interest in what I was doing. I physically could not do what I had been doing anymore.
One day I was in a thrift store, typing ISBNs into my cell phone to find out if they were worth money and/or if we had enough in inventory. I remember picking up a book on Fibromyalgia. When I opened the pages I had no preconceived notion of what I would find. I remember being really fascinated by this illness I had never heard about. Then, I remember staring at those pages as if they were recounting my life story back to me. I was horrified and shocked. At that point I had really given up on figuring out what was slowing me down and just trying to go through the motions of work. I remember looking at those words, reading my symptoms, and also reading that this is not an easy illness to diagnose. I purchased the book, and ran out to my car. I sat in the car in the rain right there and read it cover to cover.
Here is the slightly scientific part. I learned that Fibromyalgia is an incurable syndrome that may have genetic roots. It is currently defined as a syndrome, which is a group of symptoms, and concurrent syndromes, not quite a disease – because there isn’t a blood test for it. Current research points to the nervous system as the culprit, where pain signals get confused and misinterpreted by the brain. FMS causes widespread muscle pain, but other symptoms include: moderate to severe fatigue, sleep disorders, problems with cognitive functioning, IBS, headaches and migraines, anxiety and depression, and environmental sensitivities.” One of the worst problems I had and still have is muscle tension. The pain of Fibromyalgia is located usually in the connective tissues. I get cramps in between my ribs, have strange spasms in my back, and weird little twinges in my muscles everywhere – inside my foot, where my arm attaches to my shoulder, in my neck. I wake up screaming from “charley horse” type cramps in my legs at night.
The book said that first and foremost it is important to find a doctor who understands Fibromyalgia and who can adequately diagnose the problem. There are many illnesses that FMS (FibroMyalgia Syndrom) can imitate such as Rheumatoid Arthritis and Lupus. I went to a community clinic and we did tests to eliminate all the possibilities. I was clean of everything except pain. The doctor decided that it was most likely FMS after doing a test involving pressing down on parts of the body (mostly where connective tissues link bone to muscle) and seeing if I am sensitive. She sent me to a rheumatologist for a second opinion. Finally, I had my answer. In April of 2004 I went to an office where the woman ran her hands under warm water and dried them off, so she wouldn’t hurt me. She asked me if the room was warm enough. She needed to press on some tender points in order to make the diagnosis. She let me know before she pressed on the 18 pressure points. She gently pressed down and I loudly exclaimed “yes! That hurts!” for about 16 of the points. I really appreciated her warming her hands like that. It showed me that someone out there without the illness understood how much pain I was in, enough pain to warrant being careful when touching me. That made me aware that this was real, more than her official diagnosis on paper that day.

Step 3 – After you have finished step 2, answer the following questions as if you were your own, wise guardian angel. Observe the situation you have written about from an objective distance, outside your consciousness at the time about which you are writing.
a. What was your sense of self at that time? Find words to describe how you felt about yourself, NOT how someone else might have described you.
My body felt run over and abused. My head was spinning in circles. I was depressed at the idea of never being well again. I had a very strong will to survive and figure this out at all costs, even at the cost of family and friends. I felt very alone because nobody understood what I was going through.

b. What kinds of values were manifested in your sense of self? (What was important to you?)
The truth was important to me. It was important to me to get to the bottom of both problems – surgery and then diagnosis. It was important to me not to be labeled by society as a “hysterical woman.” It was also vital to me to find shelter, food, warmth, and a way to survive – financially and physically.

c. Were there any mental tapes confirming or contradicting these values? (What was your head saying?)

Those mental tapes were definitely worky head told me that this was just all in my head. I thought that if I could logically figure this all out, then it would get better(. I still struggle with that.) My head told me that logically I needed help. Lots of help. Help with big issues like how to find a place to live happily and comfortably, as well as help with things like making soup for my lunch and rubbing my shoulders when I’m having a flare-up. Help and a warm bed. Survival.

d. Were your feelings in step with your thoughts, or were they in conflict? (What was your heart saying?)
I think they were conflicted. My heart said “ow.” I grieved. Life had been hard enough, and now in the middle of my 20s I was given this burden, a chronic, painful, life-long burden. Ow. Ow. Ow. I was also terrified of becoming homeless and not being able to take care of myself. I hurt because I knew that my current friends would either leave me in the dust or assume I was being dramatic and making this all up. Right when I needed help the most, I was hurting because this diagnosis practically invites ridicule and false assumptions.

e. Can you identify the sources of these values, thoughts and feelings? (Were they things you’d learned through your own experience of from authority figures such as your parents, friends, teachers, church?)
Well, I have always dealt with my problems cerebrally, for better or worse. Logic usually gets me through problems. I am a skilled creative problem solver, and I use those abilities to constantly seek out answers. Nobody taught me that, but while growing up it was reinforced by my parents and teachers because it helped me excel in school. Survival is instinctual too, and despite the mounting problems, I knew I needed to make sure the basics were covered: food, shelter, water, love. My fears of losing friends and family definitely comes from post-traumatic stress over losing my father as a young child. I get unreasonably upset and irrational sometimes over the concept of losing someone in my life, either by choice or by death.

f. Were your actions during this event supportive of your feelings, or were they in conflict? Explain this a bit more.
My actions during this event involved resting and researching. When I was too sick, I laid in bed learning how to cook by watching the Food Network. This was a fun escape, but at least I still use the techniques I learned from back then. I let myself grieve because I had the physical need to lie in bed. I was in a physical vulnerable position, and felt emotionally vulnerable too. I spent my more alert hours researching dermoid cysts and Fibromyalgia online. I spent a lot of time on networking websites, communicating with friends through the internet rather than in person. This was hard on my emotions because I really wanted my friends to be there hugging me. I sometimes think that having internet access hindered the process of communicating with loved ones because they could check in online and feel like they put in their time. Regardless I was dedicated to understanding what was happening and why. I joined some support groups and talked with other who have the illness.

g. What was going on in your life that may have influenced how you participated in this event?
Before I got sick in the spring of 2003, I had moved in to my mother’s house temporarily while trying to figure out what to do next. I had been partying too much while living in Seattle and needed a break. I stopped going to parties and using hard drugs. I knew I did not want that lifestyle, but I wasn’t really sure what I wanted. I was unemployed and unemployment money was running out. There is no way to be “prepared” for this, but I was maybe “ripe” (?) for this situation? I had already started incubating and protecting myself from other dangers.
It was really horrible timing for me to get diagnosed at that time. I had already worn my friends out with other issues. I had been a little bit of a brat, so getting sick and needing MORE attention and help was really not a move I would have chosen.

h. What does this event tell you about yourself? What did you learn?
Oh wow. I learned a lot. I learned how best and when to mention Fibromyalgia with someone new. I learned I am more resilient than I thought. I also learned that I need people. I need balanced companionship. Not too much socializing, not too little. I learned to make sure to carry Ibuprofen in my pockets at all times.

Ok, so I am seriously late writing a paper for school. It was assigned last week, and I thought the assignment would be emailed to me while I was out of town, but instead I just got it late last night. So I decided to do what any good writer does... blog about it. Actually I decided I'll just write my assignment on my blog. It involves a lot of pre-writing that doesn't need to get turned in, but is helpful. I figured I would trick myself into writing by pretending I'm just doing this for fun....

Okay, here goes:
Step 1 - Choose an event from your life that remains important to you, and that you feel comfortable writing about.

First of all, can I just say right now that I'm annoyed about the broad topic of this one. It is the first paper of the quarter so maybe she's just trying to get us to feel comfortable, but I sure wish she'd narrow it down a little more. There are like, 5 million + one events in my life that remain important to me.

The one that really comes to mind is having surgery in 2004 and then getting diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. It still remains important to me. In a not so positive way. Then again, I could really write a novel on this topic. There are so many aspects of it to look at, I don't know where to start... hmmm, maybe I'll keep doing the assignment.


In Spring of 2003 I went out dancing to 80s music with my friends.
We were jumping up and down and being silly all night.
It was fun.
The next morning I woke up feeling not fun.
I woke up with abdominal pain and thought I might have cramps.
The cramps got worse and worse.
I remember going into my mom's bedroom and laying down on the bed and holding my stomach and not being able to move.
My mom said "That's not cramps, honey. Let's get you to the ER."
When I got there they took X-rays and did an MRI and an ultrasound.
Turns out I had a grapefruit sized tumor on my right ovary, called a dermoid cyst.
I was told I needed to have surgery as soon as possible.
The cyst had twisted on itself during my 80s dance session and if it happened again there may be a necessity for emergency operation due to internal bleeding.
I spend the summer in Olympia with my sister, trying to work out a way to finance the surgery.
I couldn't walk or do much, so watched the food network and honed my cooking skills.
I cried over missing my cats.
Forrest lived on the other side of the wall. (He teased me about my tumor.)
I had surgery finally at the end of October.
The surgeon removed my right ovary and the dermoid cyst.
I recovered in Marysville at my mother's house.
I didn't feel (physically) as if I recovered.
After letting the incision heal, I kept trying to get myself up and energized.
I walked around the house a lot in my pajamas.
It felt like something was not quite right.
I only felt good when I took my pain medicine, but not just for the high.
It seemed like I didn't have enough medicine to stop the other new pains.
I was confused.
My muscles felt weak and heavy.
My back hurt.
My legs cramped.
I couldn't digest food well.
I had a headache.
I felt fatigued and unable to stay awake for more than a few hours at a time.
People told me I just needed to get out of bed and force myself to get energized after laying in bed so much in the last few months.
I asked the surgeon if any of the new pains and weakness and fatigue could be related in any way to the surgery or the tumor.
He said no.
I went back to my job as a used book buyer for a short time.
One day while working I found a book about Fibromyalgia.
I didn't know what it was, but started to flip through the book.
I bought the book and read it in my car immediately.
I brought it to my regular doctor and asked her about my problems.
In May of 2004 I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia by a rheumatologist.
and that was just the start of the fun!

Okay, maybe I was a little more descriptive than I was supposed to be, but at least it got me writing.

*Based on this list, write a brief, objective narrative of the event, avoiding modifying words or any words that would convey emotions or value judgments. Do include physical descriptions though, as if you were a doctor observing symptoms.

In Spring of 2003 I went out dancing to 80s music with my friends. We were jumping up and down and being silly all night. It was fun. The next morning I woke up feeling not fun.
I woke up with abdominal pain and thought I might have cramps. The cramps got worse and worse. I remember going into my mom's bedroom and laying down on the bed and holding my stomach and not being able to move. My mom said "That's not cramps, honey. Let's get you to the ER." When I got there they took X-rays and did an MRI and an ultrasound. Turns out I had a grapefruit sized tumor on my right ovary, called a dermoid cyst. I was told I needed to have surgery as soon as possible. The cyst had twisted on itself during my 80s dance session and if it happened again there may be a necessity for emergency operation due to internal bleeding.
I spend the summer in Olympia with my sister, trying to work out a way to finance the surgery. I couldn't walk or do much, so watched the food network and honed my cooking skills.
I cried over missing my cats. Forrest lived on the other side of the wall. (He teased me about my tumor.)
I had surgery finally at the end of October 2003. The surgeon removed my right ovary and the dermoid cyst. I recovered in Marysville at my mother's house. I didn't feel (physically) as if I recovered. After letting the incision heal, I kept trying to get myself up and energized. I walked around the house a lot in my pajamas. It felt like something was not quite right. I only felt good when I took my pain medicine, but not just for the high. It seemed like I didn't have enough medicine to stop the other new pains. I was confused. My muscles felt weak and heavy. My back hurt. My legs cramped. I couldn't digest food well. I had a headache. I felt fatigued and unable to stay awake for more than a few hours at a time. People told me I just needed to get out of bed and force myself to get energized after laying in bed so much in the last few months. I asked the surgeon if any of the new pains and weakness and fatigue could be related in any way to the surgery or the tumor. He said no.
I went back to my job as a used book buyer for a short time. One day while working I found a book about Fibromyalgia. I didn't know what it was, but started to flip through the book. I bought the book and read it in my car immediately. I brought it to my regular doctor and asked her about my problems.
In May of 2004 I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia by a rheumatologist (and that was just the start of the fun!)

Okay, I cheated on my narrative. I realized my list was pretty narrative sounding as is.

*Step 2 - Free write about why this event was meaningful to you. When you have finished, try to put this meaning into a single sentence and underline it. (This will be your working thesis.)

This event, finding a tumor and then getting diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, is meaningful to me because it seriously altered the course of my adult life. Until that point I was generally pretty healthy and working to support myself. In fact, the concept of not working to support myself was pretty improbable to me. From the time I moved out of the house at 18 until having surgery, about 5 years, I was pretty independent and used to taking care of myself. Suddenly I had to move in with my sister, depend on my mother to nurse me, and when all that was done, I had to come to terms with a new diagnosis and disease. It is almost two events, but the two are so entwined together in my head it is difficult to untangle. The pain I felt before during and after were one and the same, just changed and morphed into something new by end of it. I had been seriously involved in music and parties until that point, and suddenly I couldn't do any of it. I learned who really cared about me, and who didn't. I realized that no matter how much "evidence" I have I cannot convince other people of illness they cannot see. I started spending a lot more time by myself at that point. I was deeply depressed. Despite the depression, spending time alone was a new thing for me. It is relief and loneliness. Relief to not worry about anyone else's opinions or critiques and relief to just be, even if that means just laying in bed and not being interesting. Loneliness because at heart I am a very outgoing individual, and losing friends is one of my biggest fears besides losing family. I mean losing close friends who feel like family. That really distresses me. I feel safe and secure while alone and making music and hanging with the kitties looking at the water... but lonely when I've done that for a week, and it is now Saturday night and here we go again. Fibromyalgia has slowed me down but helped me re-focus on what is really important. There is a thing called "spoon theory" where you imagine if you only have a handful of spoons, and for each activity of the day you have to let go of one spoon. After your spoons are gone, you're done for the day. That is how I roll. I have to choose those spoons wisely. And that involves many days that feel like they were wasted, and people who feel like they don't understand my logic, why certain things have priority over others. That year of being sick and not knowing exactly what was happening to me, my life, my existence, was a catalyst. Ever since that time I have been required to relearn how to live. How to get errands run, chores done, responsibilities. How do you make sure to take all your supplements, vitamins, medications, eat breakfast, get out of bed, find something to drink, etc… before the medications have kicked in? Do you wear your pajamas to the doctor, or do you stay home from the appointment because you’re too sick? I had to find answers for these and many others after the diagnosis. I remember a time when I didn’t have to break the day down into segments and then edit edit edit away all the extra stuff. I’m lucky if I manage to get dressed, fed, medicated, and out of bed by the time the day is over, and then I start over again. I have learned quite a lot though, so it has gotten a lot easier.

This free write was great, but I still don't have a thesis. I don't know what blanket statement could sum up all the descriptive and emotional facets of this. I don't know if I remember how I was feeling at the time, other than fucking rotten, and drugged.

*Now write about the event describing what happened in more detail. Describe the setting and who was there. Paint a picture for your reader so that s/he has a real connection to your experience. What were your thoughts and feelings?



So, um okay, that was a weird blog. Maybe I'll finish it later. I have to go to class now. I hope ya'll have enjoyed my schoolwork. xoxo, Heide

A little story about my sleep study results. (originally posted to facebook 10/19)

I participated in a sleep study to pinpoint how/if sleep could be a contributing factor to the chronic pain, fatigue and memory problems I have experienced for the last 4 years since diagnosis of Fibromyalgia. It was like staying in a hotel - plus electrodes glued to my head and legs and all kinds of surveillance. I hear it cost a lot, but my insurance was kind enough to pick up the bill. I didn't feel like I slept well. I felt as tired leaving as when I arrived the night before. In the morning I woke up and washed the gobs of gook out of my hair (think runway model hair - tangles sticking out a foot from my head in various places.)

So, I waited for the results very patiently, and on the big day I went in to the office and a doctor I had never met before was kind enough to give me a whole 10 minutes of his time. He told me that I sleep too much during the day and that is why I'm not sleeping well at night. On his official report he writes that everything is within normal ranges, no sleep apnea, or parasomnia, considering 'first-night effect' and "Her insomnia is due to irregular sleep pattern and poor sleep hygiene." He was nice enough, and encouraged me to only sleep 8 hours per night, starting at the same time and ending the same time each day. I felt like I was 5. I felt like he was chastising me for putting them through all this trouble when really the real problem was my lifestyle. I felt like he thought I was being lazy by taking naps during the day. I tried to explain to him that before I stopped working I WAS sleeping 8 hours per day without naps, but was extremely fatigued, and barely able to work (or walk, for that matter.)

I sat in the parking lot on that rainy day thinking about what I wanted to do for the rest of the day and reflecting on these supposedly completely normal results. I felt defeated for a moment; having fibromyalgia will do that to you. I am very used to people not believing that I am sick (or at least not _that_ sick) based on how I look. I want to tell them "Duh, dumbass! I wouldn't even have left my bed today if this was not an extremely exceptional day. I would not be standing in front of you to be judged." I also felt like somehow I failed. Fibromyalgia and sleep disorders go hand in hand. I had really really thought maybe we could find a key to helping me be well by analyzing my sleep. And now, nothing?

Wait, hold on a minute. Since I had nowhere I had to be immediately I sat there on that gray rainy day looking over the 10 page report, attempting to make sense of a lot of foreign (to me) graphs and charts. Yeah, I could have waited. I could have asked one of 4 doctors to explain what they all meant. Despite feeling defeated, I poured over the dizzying charts. I noticed one thing. No Stage 4, aka delta, or slow wave sleep. None.

And I let you, Mr. M.D., lead me to doubt myself and feel ashamed for not trying hard enough.
Smooth, but I'm not buying this crap.

My current world revolves around changing every part of my behavior and lifestyle that I have control over, with a focus on attaining optimal health in order to go to school. I am fucking "sick and tired of being sick and tired." I do not eat wheat or dairy. I no longer drink alcohol. I try to eat organic vegetables and fruits from local farms. I have a medical marijuana card. I prefer and utilize "alternative" medicine as much as possible. I take medication, but with help of some amazing doctors am constantly revising the list to eliminate anything that is harmful. I do not take pain killers (yet, due their possibly deadly interaction with benzos.) I am no longer physically dependent on benzodiazapenes after 10 months of hellish tapering off the stupid drugs. I am currently in the middle of making a plan with my pain specialist as to which avenue to take as far as pain meds. (Finally. Yay!) I moved way the fuck out to the country to have a more peaceful mental and physical environment. (Sacrificing most of my social life.) I do as much exercise as I can handle. I have lost 40 lbs. and counting. I rarely wear makeup. I live simply. I enjoy the small things. I have far fewer panic attacks and PTSD issues than a year ago. I am on board. I have read the rules and practice good sleep hygiene as often as possible, given that my sleep is erratic due to... well, this was what I was trying to figure out. I research my illnesses and I'm proactive about getting well. I'm getting closer to that elusive goal of mine, since childhood, to reach Ph.D. level in something during my lifetime.

NO FUCKING DELTA WAVES = NORMAL? MY ASS, IT DOES, YOU TOOL!! You fucking knob.

I know this because the July/August '08 issue of Scientific American Mind has a giant article about current research on how memory and learning are impacted and occur during deep sleep - Stage 3 and particularly Stage 4. That's what kept running through my head when I analyzed my own sleep study in the car that day. My subsequent research indicates that muscle tissue repair also occurs during this vital part of sleep, particularly Stage 4. No wonder I wake up to that just-got-run-over-by-a-truck feeling and my memory is shot.

I am not a doctor. In fact, I am a proud high school dropout (who happens to read a whole lot.) And I'm deep sleep deprived. But I somehow have the capacity to read the fucking report. I can read the print that repeatedly says "NO STAGE 4."

This blog goes out to all you doctors who appear to be snoozing instead of providing quality healthcare. This is also dedicated to all the patients who stand up for themselves and resort to doing their own research when their doctors are incompetent. Congrats to you for making it out of bed and to the computer.

I can't wait until Monday to have a chat with this sleep specialist and slyly ask him to re-assess my sleep study and correct his error in my medical records. Right now, I'm heading to bed. ;)

I have been watching the cost of living go crazy. Gas prices, food prices, housing, etc. I read about it in the paper, listen to it on the radio, hear people bitch about it.

I don't want to preach to you all, but I hope to reassure you a little. IT IS JUST STUFF! I haven't really disclosed this publicly until now, but I want to share a little of my financial and living situation with you. For nearly 4 years now I have been living on $339 per month with $150 in foodstamps and free (though nearly useless) medical care. I just acquired a lawyer for my Social Security Disability hearing which is scheduled for approximately 1.5 to 2 years from now. All this time they haven't raised my money for the cost of living. Thankfully, my mother realized I couldn't fake illness for this long and has been supplementing my income towards the end of the month.

So, what have I learned from all this? I feel so much more free than when I made 36,000/year. I know that it is not possible for others to just drop out of their lives and live off the grid... However, I have met a lot of people out in this area who live "off the grid" and are very happy people. I believe as long as my rent is paid... I can get just about anything else I need either free or cheap. There is soooo much STUFF out there. I have changed my lifestyle quite a bit. I don't socialize much lately, unless I can get together with people for a picnic at my house or occasionally go for coffee or if an old friend comes out here to visit me. That saves a lot of money. I go to the library for my movies. They have lots of current DVDs and as long as I return them on time, there's no charge. I check out lots of books too. I have simplified my life as much as possible and I think maybe that is key.

Then again, looking back things were NOT so easy over the winter. It took awhile to get everything sorted out and I finally received a grant for propane that will last me for more than a year. In the meantime I used a little electric heater, an electric blanket, a hotplate to cook on, and LOTS of blankets on my bed. I just consider it camping! Well, what did I do all those years while enjoying the psytrance scene... Thanks to that and Burning Man, I think I can handle just about anything.

I encourage you all to check my page on myspace because I have recently posted pics of my reunion with my dear old friend Lizz. She kinda disappeared on me for awhile, but really truly she has got to be the friend who knows me best of anyone on this planet. I love all my good friends, but seriously Lizz and I have a bond that goes beyond anything I have ever had with any friend. We promised each other years ago "No Matter What" and that is still how it works. Despite our personal issues, we are both now living very well and finally got together after 5 years. It was the highlight of my summer. Check the pics at: http://www.myspace.com/heide_licious

Right now I'm living very well... I live in a place where people come to vacation. How can I complain about that. And it seems that just about anything I envision that I need has manifested itself.

Point of the whole story, is if I can live on so little, I am sure you can too... I hope that doesn't sound condescending or like a lecture... I am just so happy to have found my place. This view from my front yard and the beauty around me is therapy.

Much love to all of you,
Heide

I heard this song on the radio the other day, and realized it has a line that encompasses my entire way of life right now. Due to chronic fatigue, I have learned a technique called Pacing. Basically I do my errands and appointments (spaced with lots of time between) on one day, and then the next day I rest and recuperate. I do every other day. Sometimes it doesn't work out, but overall it has helped me. Other people may be annoyed by someone like me who is SLOW in such a fast paced world. But I am stubborn and I believe in stopping to (sorry about the platitude) smell the roses. And dammit I don't budge until I'm done, no matter what pressure I have from other people. I have learned to say no and take my time. This is not a perfect life, but I am living proof that taking your time can save your sanity and improve your physical well being.

Here's the song that I found.... It is an oldie that I never noticed until now and I love the way the song changes from one thing to another and back again....


Black Water
The Doobie Brothers


Well, I built me a raft and she's
ready for floatin'
ol' Mississippi, she's callin' my name
Catfish are
jumpin' that paddle wheel thumpin'
Black water keeps rollin' on past just
the same
Old black water, keep on rollin'
Mississippi moon won't you keep
on shinin' on me?
Old black water,
keep on rollin'
Mississippi moon
won't you keep on shinin' on me?
Old black water,
keep on
rollin'
Mississippi moon won't you keep on shinin' on me?
Yeah, keep on
shinin' your light, gonna make every thing
Pretty mama, gonna make
everything all right
And I ain't got no worries 'cause I ain't in no hurry
at all
Well, if it rains, I don't care, don't make no difference to
me
Just take that street car that's goin' up town
Yeah, I'd like to hear
some funky Dixieland and dance a honky tonk, and I'll
be
buyin' everybody
drinks all roun'-------
Old black water, keep on rollin'
Mississippi moon
won't you keep on shinin' on me?
Old black water,
keep on
rollin'
Mississippi moon won't you keep on shinin' on me?
Old black
water,
keep on rollin'
Mississippi moon won't you keep on shinin' on
me?
Yeah, keep on shinin' your light, gonna make every thing
Pretty mama,
gonna make everything all right
And I ain't got no worries 'cause I ain't in
no hurry at all
I'd like to hear some funky Dixieland, pretty momma come and
take me
by the hand, by the hand, take me by the hand,
(I want to
honky-tonk) (honky-tonk)
pretty momma, come and dance with your daddy all
night long, I'd like
to...
(honky-tonk) (with you all night long)

**************************************************

Hey friends,

I wanna honky tonk with YOU all night long! Love,

Heide

p.s.: My health is up and down.... Please keep me in your thoughts, dreams, prayers and meditations.

p.p.s.: I am going to be in Seattle for Muschi's bday June 6. I hope to see some of you there!
Friday, June 6, 2008
HotWired @ the Noc Noc (1516 2nd Ave)
9:00pm - 1:30am
http://www.hotwiredseattle.com

I have been sick sick sick sick sick. That leaves not much for me to talk about other than good movies and books.

I am dealing with a new diagnosis. The good news is now I know some of these symptoms I have are not due to Fibromyalgia or PTSD. And they can go away or get better with time. The bad news is now I am really a little scared and depressed about the diagnosis. And it is not going to be fun to get well again. I don't want to say what it is, but if you are a good friend and want to know of course I will tell you.

I tried accupuncture for the first time on Monday and it was neato. I felt super energetic for about 3 hours. Then my whole body felt really sick and I was in bed for a long time. (5 days) I am going to ask my doctors about this. I wonder if when a practitioner is releasing energy from certain points... if maybe toxins are released too? I will have to ask some of my peeps.

In other news I was told I cannot get a personal computer with the $5000/person/year education fund left by my Great Aunt Dolly. I am starting a little campaign within the family to try to change this. I can get money to learn how to program computers but I can't have my own computer??? ack! I don't need to tell any of you why personal computers are so important. I have a desktop that is about 2.5 years old if anyone wants a cheap computer. It won't fit in my space. (I live in VERY small quarters.) It works okay, just needs to be cleaned up and wipe all my old files. In the meantime I am attempting to get this family money to buy me a nice little laptop with all the accessories I need and internet service. I get free school already. I have had a very difficult time writing papers in computer labs or in the library. Grr. But as my uncle advised, honey works better than vinegar so that shall be my approach while mounting this campaign....

I want a fucking education, yo.

Sorry if this all sounds like a complaint. Let's see, good news ... it is beautiful and the trees are blossoming and the sun is out and the birds are back and living where I live rocks. Oh yeah, and since last year, one year ago when I moved here, I have lost 30 lbs!!!! woot! I blame it on low stress and healthy food.

Love,

Heide

A new superstition
Category: Romance and Relationships


I will never write publicly how happy I am ever again! It seems to have caused a cosmic shift in the universe to cause things to fall upside down again. Not saying I will never be happy, but I will never again blog about how wonderful everything is ever again out of superstition that it will cause ruin and distress!

I normally don’t divulge my relationship issues in depth on here as a policy, but this is too good. Jesse dumped me as soon as I got back from Seattle. He did it by text message and he had known he was going to do this the whole time he was coming over to my house to feed my cats all week. I felt violated that he had been in my house all that time. I could have found someone else. Then it turns out he met a woman from his past that he really wants to date. I showed up at his work (another thing I don’t usually do - pull crazy girlfriend moves, but he wouldn’t talk to me other than text) and I asked him if he loved me and he said yes but he’s not in love with me. (oh the cliche, I know!) Then it turns out he wants his new girl to attend our classes that are two nights a week for 2.5 hours. So, we broke up on Friday and the following Tuesday I’m supposed to sit in a lecture/discussion with my ex and his new woman? I asked him nicely to ask her not to come out of respect for my feelings. She acted like I had no right to ask her not to show up. I had a fit. Anyway, it got solved because I resorted to calling our instructor and she had not given the woman permission to attend. And since I was a registered student and she had seen Jesse and I in class together (this was one of *our things*) she denied the woman the pleasure of totally embarrassing and most likely alienating me from the one thing I have going for me right now. School. I was willing to put up a fight. I figured there was nothing to lose - I’d kick her and pull her hair if I was going to miss out on my class because of her.

Anyway, class last night was alright. I gave Jesse back the heart pillow that says "4 ever" from Valentine’s day. I was nice enough to do it in private, and I think he was too. I’m pretty sure he felt like an ass. It was difficult to be near him and I almost left a couple times, but I made it. It was a good discussion on Neo-classicist art.

Oh, and while I was having a little pity party at my house I somehow broke my house and this big wooden frame that holds up the curtains fell off and hit me in the head. I had a big egg lump. I cried. I have knocked my head on the corners of cupboards and other kinds of stuff, but this hurt way worse than that. I knew I should go into the hospital but I didn’t trust my driving and didn’t want to call the ambulance, so I toughed it out for a night and yesterday it still hurt so I went in. They checked me all out, and did x-rays of my neck - one of them I had to open my mouth really wide so they could see the top vertebrae. Anyway, no concussion, strained/sprained neck muscles, ice, ibuprofen. I’m okay. But I learned head wounds are high on the list as far as triage. They got me in immediately!

So I’m doing okay after several days of crying and feeling heart broken. I can’t decide if I am sad because I really really love him or if I am sad because this is only the 3rd time in my life anyone has broken up with me. Usually I’m the one doing the breaking up.

Today I went to the local store and the new guy was very obviously flirting with me, telling me to stop in to see him again... I’m not in a hurry for anything new, but it still felt good to get appreciated.

So, beware bloggers, writing spontaneous little happy blog blurbs about how great life is may be at the expense of your happiness. Learn from my lesson!

from Sunday, March 02, 2008

come on get happy

Many of my friends have heard my complaints regarding difficult times. And those are very valid feelings to express. Some crazy shitty things have happened. So without further ado I'd like to announce..... Things are really getting much better and I am feeling a shift in my entire lifestyle and existance. Big exciting things are happening that I will share later... it is a secret. I am creating. So yes. I am feeling generally pretty happy these days. Even on shitty days. Living where I live is everything I think. How can I be unhappy when there is a giant lunar eclipse-ing moon rising over the water in front of my house. How can I not smile when I drive past a horse rolling around on his back or bald eagles soaring over a vast valley. I can get coffee at the Boiler Room for a buck and get free wireless and listen to Michael Jackson and we all sing along. At 1012 Cafe I have random conversations with people about art, politics, juggling... usual stuff. The librarians know me by name and we have had very excitingly intellectual discussions in the class I'm taking. I have a boyfriend who is mostly perfectly wonderful. And even when he's not he's better than most. And I have some new friendships blossoming.

Right this instant I am in the big city feeling like a country girl. But I still know all the roads by heart and zoom around the city and dodge nasty traffic and find parking and good restaurants. Tomorrow I am going to my favorite geek computer supply shop and buy a cable to finally put up some pictures of all this beauty I speak of so all you can see what I see.

Love,
Heide

p.s.: I am in the Seattle area until Tuesday-ish so catch me if you can!

What is up with this girl... let's see...

I had a lovely birthday weekend and spent time with my close friend Jackie. I had Thai food with her and Jesse and though it was just us three it was a good dinner. I ordered extra to take home so I had Thai dinner for two nights after that! Way to plan ahead! My sister was in town staying at my mother's and they did not come to my birthday dinner which made me very very sad to the point I cried. But on the other hand, the night before my sister and mother and I couldn't sleep (runs in the family!) so we were up until 0-dark-thirty talking and laughing. I cherish that time we had together because it is not often that we ever get to do that.

On to other stuff. I am still attending Bard College Clemente Course but I am not going to be writing papers, just do reading and attend lectures and participate in discussion. I won't get credit but I will get a certificate saying I completed it. I have been very sick this winter with pain and fatigue as I am every winter, and I just cannot keep up with the course load. I plan on trying again next year for the experience and the credit. It has been very enriching and has helped me meet some new people and have some great discussions. The theme is "With Liberty and Justice For All" within Literature, History, Art History and Philosophy. I am especially excited about the Philosophy part and am totally enamored with our instructor - I respect her very much. It was a hard decision to either work really hard to catch up with my work in this class or to decide not to get credit, but I think this is the right thing.

In the meantime I have been reading 3 books on France during WWII. I first read Sarah's Key written by Tatiana de Rosnay. Here's the synopsis taken from Powell's Books:

Paris, July 1942: Sarah, a ten year-old girl, is brutally arrested with her family by the French police in the Vel' d'Hiv' roundup, but not before she locks her younger brother in a cupboard in the family's apartment, thinking that she will be back within a few hours.

Paris, May 2002: On Vel' d'Hiv's 60th anniversary, journalist Julia Jarmond is asked to write an article about this black day in France's past. Through her contemporary investigation, she stumbles onto a trail of long-hidden family secrets that connect her to Sarah. Julia finds herself compelled to retrace the girl's ordeal, from that terrible term in the Vel d'Hiv', to the camps, and beyond. As she probes into Sarah's past, she begins to question her own place in France, and to reevaluate her marriage and her life.

Tatiana de Rosnay offers us a brilliantly subtle, compelling portrait of France under occupation and reveals the taboos and silence that surround this painful episode.

This got me interested in France during the War. It has only been the last 10 or 15 years that source documents have been released showing France's role in deporting to their deaths thousands and thousands of French Jews. I am especially interested in this because the history was literally rewritten and most French people would be offended if we were to bring this up. We always hear about the French Resistance and how they fought back, and that is what the people in France prefer to remember. They prefer to blame the Nazis, even though the French police and government were in cahoots with them the whole way....

I have been a hermit literally for the last couple of weeks, reading, watching movies, hanging with my cats, etc. I think the weather causes me to get very fatigued during this part of the year. I have been depressed too. And don't ask why - that is the point of depression... no particular reason.

Coming up this weekend I am going to Redmond to visit my sister Steph and Ry, and then having dinner on Monday with Brett and Cat, and then going to court in Everett for 10 minutes to get assigned a lawyer because I owe Everett money. Fucking Everett. It is going to cost me $60+ just to get there and back, aside from eating and everything else. Plus I will have to go back to have an appointment with my assigned lawyer and then go to court again. So I am trying to make appointments to see my friends while I'm in town. It will be an okay trip, but I'm sure I will be very tired and excited to get home afterwards.

The apple trees outside my house are starting to grow tiny buds and I'm sooo looking forward to taking pictures of the apple blossoms when they finally bloom.

So that is about it. Time for me to go. Au revoir!



Heide

p.s. I'm also reading Gabriel Garcia Marquez' Love in the Time of Cholera. The translation into English is amazingly vivid and brilliant writing... Not the way Americans write, by far. And I'm not reading the Oprah's Book Club version. I've been reading GGMarquez for quite some time... His book 100 Years of Solitude is among my favorites.

I haven't written a blog for awhile just because what do you write when you're just dealing with the same depression and winter blahs over and over? I didn't want to just bitch.

I had a broken house and a broken car. For a moment I had a broken relationship. They have all been fixed. I was broken (with illness) for the last several weeks. I feel so much better now.

I have been catching up on a lot of movies and series lately, thanks to the good ol' public library. When I feel girly it has been the Gilmore Girls because I never really watched it when it was on tv. I'm on the second season. Then there is Deadwood which is awesome, but I have to turn on the subtitles to really get what they are saying! I love Calamity Jane and all the F*ck words and killing and just the dirtiness of it all... I don't think I have seen any westerns where people are depicted so realistically. I also watched the most recent season of CSI in Las Vegas. I couldn't figure out why I might like a show that is so graphic, considering my experiences with murder. Then I realized I love that they are solving mysteries using the latest science. Then I watched the series Weeds. OMG I highly recommend this one... Soccer mom turned weed dealer. haha. Great show! I don't have a TV so it has been great catching up on these sans commercials and being able to pause when I need to.

I have been taking a college course. I am very proud of myself making this very little baby step towards going back to school. I am enrolled in the Bard College Clemente Course in the Humanities. We are studying Literature, Philosophy, Art History and History. It is a free course and lasts one full semester, at the end of which I will earn 6 credits. I was worried initially about whether or not this class might not be challenging enough because it is free and offered to low income people. My mistake - this has me on my toes, studying and writing and enjoying our class discussions! Bard College is based in NY and offers this class all over the US and this year branched out to Darfur. We are the only rural class and we are paired up as sister classes with the class in Darfur. I am not sure yet what we will be doing with them, but I find this to be very exciting.

I started going back to church again. I had been praying, asking the Lord to please guide me to a good church. There are so many to choose from, I just didn't want to randomly attend services. Well, within about a month I met several people who all attend the same church. One of them I met in the hospital emergency room, one in a bar... lots of seeming randomness, but when I put it all together I feel like God has been guiding me to this church. So far so good. I like it and feel good after services. I am still wary of getting too involved to the point that people in the church try to influence what I do in my personal life. I do not appreciate church gossip, politics, and such, but I am willing to give them a chance at least. Tonight I am going to the Ash Wednesday service to get blessed with a cross in ashes on my forehead. Today marks the first day of Lent, though I don't think I will be participating.

Speaking of Lent, and giving things up... I stopped drinking alcohol January 1st. I have slipped up and had a beer twice since then... but other than that I have been doing very well. My body feels better without all the toxins from alcohol, I have lost weight because I'm not drinking extra calories, and my doctors are happy for me too. I guess I just wanted to prove to myself that my life is not ruled by alcohol, and I realized all my efforts to take care of my body including eating a very strict diet and going to specialists to help with my physical ailments - all of this was nil if I continued to drink alcohol on a regular basis. And I believe it is what God wants and that He will help me stay away from it.

I am seeing a new Pain and Addiction Specialist. He is kind of strange, yet he is very knowledgeable and seems to be practicing all the research I have read about pain that my other doctors didn't seem to be up on. For now he has not put me on any pain medicines just yet because we are just getting a plan of action set up. He takes my medical coupons and does individual and group sessions. The group sessions are kind of like classes - to help us learn and understand more about how we can deal with pain I guess. I hear he does accupuncture and I am signed up for his medicinal marijuana class in April, so I will be getting my "green card" so I can smoke and grow my marijuana and carry a certain amount on me! Finally a doc who doesn't condemn me for using this wonderful plant.

Last month I witnessed a horrible fatality car accident down the road from my house. I was the second person on the scene and had to call 911. I have no idea what I said to them or anything after that. The lady died the way many people probably wish to die - she had no idea what hit her. What hit her was a giant tree that fell due to high winds. Her car was crushed, and she was nearly decapitated. I saw her head sticking out where the window would have been. I am sorry if you are reading this and it offends your sensibilities... but I just have to get this out. I cannot get this picture out of my head and it has been haunting me every time I drive on my road. PTSD is a bitch. I have been wondering "why me? After all the strange issues with death in my life, why did I have to be there when this happened?" I am glad I was able to help call 911 and I know the woman is in peace and did not suffer. I am just completely baffled as to where my life is going when I encounter such things when I am trying so hard to mend my heart and move on with my life. What am I supposed to learn from this?

I finally made my list yesterday. My list of people who have died that I need to say goodbye to. It was a long list. I have been keeping it in my head for so long and I think just putting it down on paper helped me a lot. I wrote "goodbye" in front of each name, and at the end I said I needed to move on with my life and that they will always be in my heart. I want to do an art project or music project in tribute to these people.

Well, sorry about the depressing stuff. I just feel better getting it out. I am very much an extrovert and I feel like I must get these out or explode! Aside from the dark tone I really am laughing more and feeling happy. Winter sucks but doesn't it always?

My birthday is next week on the 15th and I am going to be 29! I have to make sure to do lots of immature things this year and have as much fun as possible and hang out with younger people, etc. Because next year is 30 and I guess I will have to get more serious or something! What me? serious? hmmm.

I think I will say goodbye for now. I just want to add one last thing.... I love and miss my friends a lot. Even though I live all the way across the Puget Sound, it really isn't that far as the crow flies. I will be visiting March 6 and staying a few nights so please get in touch with me and we'll make plans.

I watched the DVD that was made after the book "The Secret" came out. I was slightly interested in it because I (okay I admit I love Oprah) heard Oprah hyping it for a week and then missed the episode where they tell you what the secret is....

So anyway, I watched The Secret and learn all about the Law of Attraction, and actually watch it a second time with my mom, wondering if she thinks this is "new age-ey."

I won't go into every last detail of the book and movie, but I do recommend you read/watch/make your own decisions on how "new age-ey" it is. It was inspiring to me, and I felt like, well... there is no reason why I can't give this a chance and try to act as if I already have something and visualize it as if it is already here, two things they recommend for getting what you already want in life.

So, last Friday. I wake up in the morning and decide to play with this concept that I will attract whatever it is that I visualize and believe. I focus all day on and off on getting free dinner. Not just free dinner, but having dinner bought for me by someone at a restaurant. I felt a little weird about this, but I wanted to test out "the secret." I visualized someone offering to either pay for my already ordered dinner, ask me to join them, or even better... just pay the bill without any questions asked.

Friday night, I get dressed, put on some makeup, and act as if I already have plans for this dinner to drop out of thin air. I had a backup $8 so that I could buy something if I needed to, but really $8 doesn't go far... I really wanted my dinner bought for me... and something good!

I went to restaurant #1 and checked out the menu, looked around, only a family and a couple on a date... pretty small chances... and the food was too expensive for me to buy on my own. I did sit at the bar and look at the menu and talk to the waitress, figuring I'd stay for a little while just in case. I decided to go down the road where there is a bar that does fish n chips on Fridays. It is the local bar, closes at 11 every night... family (above 21) oriented, and pretty fun. I very rarely have drinks bought for me or food or anything because most of the clientelle is middle class and lucky to have enough for themselves. So I'm sitting at the counter, eating some popcorn and still "deciding" on what I want. I know what I want... I want free dinner!!! The waitress says to me, "Have you decided yet? because the man over there wants to buy your drink." OK... Hmmmm... I'm starting to get a little excited, but of course I don't tell anyone. He finally comes over to say hello and long story short, he ends up buying me several yummy dark beers and halibut dinner for me. No strings attached. Well, he has a crush on me, and called me yesterday, but I told him on Friday I was already dating someone and though it isn't very "serious" I felt I should tell him up front.

I don't know. I think The Secret works. I think I have been using it my whole life actually though. I just didn't know it. Or I have just called it different things. I have always believed I could have whatever I wish for or dream for. I just dream big.

So now I'm working on the health side of things. I will be visualizing being healthier and skinnier and more emotionally balanced. I will keep you all informed of the results!!!

:)

xo,

Heide

I watched The Bridge To Terabithia and even though I read the book as a kid, and knew the ending, I have been really seriously crying over this movie for the last couple days. Part of it is just me being a total sap and having emotional problems beyond the movie... but no really I'm so so sad about this, and also convinced this has to be one of the best books ever written. Notice I didn't say "children's book" because this one is for everybody. In the movie they emphasize "Keep your Mind Wide Open" and we adults need to remember that mantra.

XO everyone this night of candy eating and costuming,

Heide

Let's see... Where do I start? I decided to wait on the money for the trust fund... Waiting to make the best possible choice as for what to do.

I have been going to the library almost every day or every other day to use the computers here. There is a guy who wears a kinda like a Roman soldier's helmet... It is plastic and gold with a HUGE FEATHER PLUME on it. Today it is rainy and when he walked in I noticed he had managed to keep the thing dry. I once said "nice hat" and he looked at me like I am crazy. ha. ha. I swear though, now I see him all around town and well, he's hard to miss.

I have just been trying to find a good pace and equilibrium since I moved to Port Ludlow. I am trying to settle in for the winter, get used to my new little environment. Looks like I'll be here for a while. And how very glad I am that I can say that.

In health related issues, I have practically made a full time job of doctor appointments, counseling appointments, specialists, testing, etc. I am getting seriously tested for rheumatoid arthritis and lupus again because they mimic fibromyalgia and there is a high rate of false negatives for the test. My doctor looked at my fingers today and asked me if they have always been shaped that way... I said well, yes, but my middle finger seems to be twisting, almost 'looking' at my ring finger. On both hands. It may be an indication that I have arthritis of some type. hrm. ugh.

Last week and so far this week I have been in severe pain. I cancelled all my appointments last week, and this week I finally convinced my new doc to give me some pain medicine to last until I get in with my new pain specialist. The new pain specialist is known for being somewhat insistant on doing things his own way... like he hands out medicinal marijuana and puts fibromyalgia patients on methadone. I guess the consensus regarding pain meds is "it's okay as long as a specialist with a degree is overseeing it." I'm not sure what I think about starting pain medications because I don't want to risk abusing them and there is the issue of putting stress on my liver and kidneys etc... But on the other hand, I have become completely imobilized by pain and just checking out of life when I am in too much pain. So I wonder where the balance will be for me.

In other news, I am taking pictures of the beautiful changes the landscape takes this time of year... Trees turning rainbows and wind and water and sky. I will try to get some of my pics posted here or on one of my many other sites.

Well, it feels good to get a little of this out... been quite awhile. Mostly due to lack of computer/internet at my place. I thought it would be worked out sooner, but I kind of like it this way for the time being.

xoxoxoxo,

Heide

ack!
I have never in my life received any kind of monetary inheritance. My Great Aunt Dolly had no children, and was well off I suppose, so she donated half her estate to her alma-mater Seattle University (I think?) and the other half to a trust fund called the Education Adventure Trust. The idea is her descendents can fill out the forms and apply for up to $5000 to use for any type of education opportunity, not just college. Oh, and the money is available every year until it runs out. Which just depends on how many people apply.

What to do? That is a lot of money for me to spend, but I kind of wish I could use it for rent and food, etc! It is weird to have money that is dedicated only towards "education adventure." I love Aunt Dolly's spirit and sense of adventure, encouraging our family to try new things.

Here are some of my ideas:
1. Rent an art studio for a year and buy a nice camera, a computer and some other gear to add to my MOUNTAIN of art supplies. Go to town working on art and actually try to sell it and have shows. To justify this I may have to take some local art classes too.

2. Travel. I don't know where, I don't know what. Probably as part of a volunteer organization. They make you pay for your own airfare usually, so most of the $$ would go to that. However, my health is a big issue. I cannot work right now, so how can I travel the world and volunteer? I have even put off college because I am worried about my health. It would have to be just the PERFECT opportunity for me to travel.

3. Go back to school. Again the health issue worries me as I am still trying to get stablized and get new doctors. But at least I wouldn't be bound to the rules required for students on financial aid, at least for most of the year. And I could just take one or two classes at a time instead of the required 12 credits for financial aid. There are good schools out on the peninsula, and good satellite schools for the bigger universities. It makes it possible to get a solid education, but do a lot of work as independent study.

4. Music. I could buy an insanely nice musical instrument and learn to play it. Some ideas are piano (keyboard) or hammered dulcimer. I don't know where I would find a hammered dulcimer teacher, but I am in love with the instrument and the sounds it makes.

5. I don't know. help.